Recently, a light came on. In my head, in my heart, I'm not sure which. Probably both. I realised something about myself. I saw it like I was outside, looking in. Does that ever happen to you?
Since moving I have felt happier than I have in a long time. I feel lighter. Content. Calm. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been without it's, shall we say, challenges. But overall, I feel different here. In a good way.
And I couldn't work out why. It's been bugging me, actually. Why haven't I been missing the places and people we said goodbye to more than I am? Why has the thing that I have been fearing for so very long, actually felt quite....good? It wasn't just that it wasn't as bad as I expected, it was more.
Out of the blue, as these things tend to do, it came to me. I realised that for the past year, I have been forcefully, with my whole body and heart, resisting. Nearly every thought that I had about this massive change that was to come, was negative. It was tiring me out. Draining me. Clouding every judgment I was making about everything. About the time I still had there, and the things we would plan for here. Colouring everything a shade of grey that was hard to shake off.
But the thing is, I didn't know it at the time. Yes I was sad, but actually trying to push the notion of change out of the way completely? No way! I'm open minded! I understand that everything changes! Well, it turns out that I wasn't being as open as I thought.
When we finally got here, it was almost like being set free. Free of that little cage of resistance I had locked myself in. Those thoughts of 'I don't want to, you can't make me', were no longer relevant. I no longer needed to think like that. Those thoughts were replaced with mostly silence. With an openness to this new place and what we might find. Letting go and quietly embracing the here and now.
Lesson learnt universe. Next time change is a-coming and I'm not being as open as I should, I'll check myself (*before I wreck myself)
*Oh yes I did just drop an Ice T lyric on y'all.
Photo by me, here.