Afternoon light

Recently, a light came on. In my head, in my heart, I'm not sure which. Probably both. I realised something about myself. I saw it like I was outside, looking in. Does that ever happen to you?

Since moving I have felt happier than I have in a long time. I feel lighter. Content. Calm. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been without it's, shall we say, challenges. But overall, I feel different here. In a good way.

And I couldn't work out why. It's been bugging me, actually. Why haven't I been missing the places and people we said goodbye to more than I am? Why has the thing that I have been fearing for so very long, actually felt quite....good? It wasn't just that it wasn't as bad as I expected, it was more.

Out of the blue, as these things tend to do, it came to me. I realised that for the past year, I have been forcefully, with my whole body and heart, resisting. Nearly every thought that I had about this massive change that was to come, was negative. It was tiring me out. Draining me. Clouding every judgment I was making about everything. About the time I still had there, and the things we would plan for here. Colouring everything a shade of grey that was hard to shake off.

But the thing is,  I didn't know it at the time. Yes I was sad, but actually trying to push the notion of change out of the way completely?  No way! I'm open minded! I understand that everything changes! Well, it turns out that I wasn't being as open as I thought.

When we finally got here, it was almost like being set free. Free of that little cage of resistance I had locked myself in. Those thoughts of 'I don't want to, you can't make me', were no longer relevant. I no longer needed to think like that. Those thoughts were replaced with mostly silence. With an openness to this new place and what we might find. Letting go and quietly embracing the here and now. 

Just being.

Lesson learnt universe. Next time change is a-coming and I'm not being as open as I should, I'll check myself (*before I wreck myself)

*Oh yes I did just drop an Ice T lyric on y'all.
Photo by me, here.


  1. I love this post and I need to remember this so much.

    Recently things in my world have been left rather undecided and and open-ended: which I hate. I hate not knowing what I am doing, where I am going, the plans that need to be made.

    And finally a decision is made, the decision I thought I owuld like the least but actually it is the right one and feels great.

    And as you say I now feel like I have space for being.

    Sorry for rambling on...I should have just been concise and said "I totally get this!"

  2. Just being must be the greatest of all human struggles. I recently heard an interview with this poet and found great inspiration in this poem.

    My husband and I will be moving soon, back to my hometown. It's a move I am excited about...I look at real estate listings and conspire with my sister about hobbies we'll take up together. But I have to be cautious. I have to appreciate where I am now, and know that all life's problems won't be fixed by a cross country move.

    Thank you for this reminder. Good for you for giving up the resistance and finding contentment.

  3. I have been feeling a similar push lately. A push and pull to just be myself and to stop over-thinking. It is a pretty strange feeling almost like the battle between the head and the heart, but once you figure it out it is very peaceful. I wish it was easier said than done though...

    finding yourself and the peace within our souls really is the ultimate challenge. It is the pursuit of happiness.

  4. Love the sense of peace change can sometimes and in this case bring x

  5. I love this. I felt like this when we moved too... I didn't realise how unhappy I was with where I lived and who I was until we changed something. Strange that we can be so hard on ourselves without even realising it. Glad you're feeling lighter and happier... I really like the idea of just being (something I'm very bad at!)

  6. Thank you so much for all the lovely comments, so nice to know I'm not alone!

    Lottie - And I *love* long comments! I know what you mean, you worry so much about something, and then it's done and it's just not so bad anymore. Glad you feel that way about what you decided.

    Kacey - Thank you so much for linking that poem. Being a Mum I am so conscious of rushing through, when everything is going so quickly anyway. Appreciating the here and now is the hardest. But at least we're aware I guess?

    Joceyln - Totally easier said than done!

    Dawn - That's absolutely it x

    Zoe - It's funny how these things just dawn on you, isn't it? And yes, I am normally very bad at just being. I'm getting lost in the change for a while and it's a very good thing at the moment!

  7. what a gorgeous photo. and inspiring post!